Inklings from within

Fridays with Her


    Each Friday I drive east on Route 30 to my church.  I walk in- all rage and righteousness, and sit down across the table from her. She opens her Bible and places me in front of the mirror. She listens, she speaks, she prays in her heart. The Word, the Holy Spirit, and her- they wipe the sooted, cloudy reflection, exposing the filthy rags, the worship of self, creature over Creator. Every Friday, another layer removed, a new truth exposed.
     My mind tries to keep up with all the truth my heart is learning. I’m writing here to just try to capture these truths, to put them in sentences, and in order, so I can come back and be reminded of them. Because how easy it is to forget. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:20  And can I say, forgetful? There are so many things I’ve had to learn over and over. And will again.
     Here’s one truth I learned on my first Friday with her.
1} There is nothing that anyone else can do to me, nothing anyone else can cause me to suffer, that defiles me, defines me, or limits me. She tells me that the reason sins against us are so difficult to work through are because we pile our own sin on top of it. Jesus said, “Hear and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” Matthew 16:10-11 When someone lies about  me and slanders me, that does not defile me or diminish me. But my reaction, that is my test, it will reveal who I am. Trials in this life are revealers, authenticators of the reality in our hearts.
     This has been such an eye-opening truth to me. This is where the blame game ends. You know, “Well, if you would know what he/she did, you would understand where I’m coming from.” If you hunt down the he/she perpetrator, you would hear the same line, “Well guess what he/she did to me!” It also frees me from a cycle of sin and of having a wrong belief about what healing is. Often I’ve blamed my sins, my wrong choices on what I’ve suffered at the hands of others. When I was reminded of my sin, I would give myself a pass, subconsciously claiming that, “Well, God just doesn’t heal my wounds, so this is just my natural reaction. What more can you expect with what I’ve been through?” But healing doesn’t mean God comes swooping into your history and re-writes your story; healing comes when He reveals what it means to love Him and love others no matter what. The bondage is believing that the only reaction to sin, is more sin. That’s the bondage. What someone else does or says can not chain me down or keep me from living an abundant life.
   I’ve discovered so much hypocrisy in my life in this area. I’ve despised the victim mentality in much of society today. The gimme gimme gimme attitude. Kids growing up in the ghetto have a choice. Choose not to drugs, choose to go to school, choose to stay out of gangs. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and change your life. I’ve had a similar attitude towards people who struggle with depression. Just choose to be happy. Choose to stop dwelling on the negativity.
  But my inner life is riddled with inconsistencies. Spiritually, I’ve been living on welfare and foodstamps. Oh God, I’d pray, give me give me give me. But each day I’d make wrong choices. I’d choose to not forgive. I’d choose some silly idol to fill my emptiness instead of turning to Him. I chose to ignore my sin while waiting on Him to give me whatever it was I was demanding at the moment.
   Taking personal responsibility for my own choices is bringing more healing than 20 years of waiting for a magical wand ever has.
  “Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.” Isaiah 61:7


Author: hellomarylou

I'm a woman on a journey towards becoming who my Creator designed me to be......

4 thoughts on “Fridays with Her

  1. This is beautiful… I’m proud to be your sister.

  2. Heart piercing and beautiful words.
    Love you!

  3. I’ve come back a couple times to re-read this…. I’ve been challenged and inspired. Thank you for sharing it! 🙂

  4. Wow Marylou, I think you about brought me to tears! I can feel the passion and desire in you heart behind every word you wrote! Thanks girl for sharing

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